Finding a Therapist Who Fits Like the Perfect Pair of Pants

The impulse was overwhelming. I decided that I was going to elevate my “style game.” My inner fashionista was ignited, and I was fully committed. Look out, runways of New York and Paris, because Ron is coming! My goal? The perfect pair of pants---Chinos, to be exact.

I research things thoroughly to find exactly what I am looking for. I observed countless other dudes, noticing how the clothes fit their bodies, examining the varying lengths of their pants, I couldn’t count how many men’s khakis I agonizingly analyzed. Eventually I had a decent sense of what I was going to look for and I was finally ready to go shopping. I went to sleep and had sweet dreams of my perfect Chinos, waiting out there somewhere, waiting to be found and worn by me.

The next day I went to the outlet mall, and the shopping process began. I was excited, living in the image of me looking sharp in my new Chinos that I had yet to find. What I did not account for however, was the amount of pants I would have try on before I found the ones that would:

Fit me Correctly

Compliment Me

Meet my Expectations

I went to five stores, and each store had several different styles of Chinos. I also had three potential different sizes in each style. Guess what that meant for me? I had to try on ALL those effing pants! Some were too long, others too short. I was exhausted and cranky, because I was so focused on the search for these perfect damn Chinos, I became discouraged.

Eventually I found a pair at Banana Republic. I was so excited and ended up buying six of the exact same Chinos. However, when I got home I noticed the pockets flared like Mickey Mouse ears! I was devastated, as I walked around my house, I spoke like a 1920’s mafia boss whose hallmark trait was wearing pants that had pocket flares.

I realized I was using humor as a defense mechanism to channel my deep inner disappointment, anger, sadness, and frustration from having to return all these pants and coming home exhausted and defeated, empty-handed after so much effort.

I went back to Banana Republic to return my pants and noticed there was a style of Chinos on display that I hadn’t tried: “The Fulton Mason Chino”. The moment I put them on and looked in the mirror, the feeling was electric, like when I had discovered my career and passion. FINALLY, I found my perfect pair of Chinos!

If you’re reading this, you know that feeling I am talking about. It can be a result of anything that invokes emotional elation and a sense of peace, and it can show up at the damnedest of times. Significance is so subjective, and sometimes so simple. I have felt like this before when:

I have achieved something against all odds at work, in sports, gaming, or any competitive platform

At Graduate school, when I succeeded at completing an impossible amount of work with positive results

I finally figure out what I want to eat for lunch or dinner (a true accomplishment)

This feeling is a mix of relief and joy, the kind of relief that people try to sell you in a pretty glass vile of lavender essential oil, but it cannot be bottled. You know the moment you feel anxiety has left your body, that you have found your perfect pair of Chinos---OR your perfect Therapist. Either way, you know a perfect fit when you experience it. 

Shopping for Chinos made me think about what it is like to find a Therapist you really “jive” with. One of the things I emphasize with all my clients is that communication and a human connection with your Therapist is essential and critical for therapeutic success.

This is because connection is one of the most important aspects of having successful therapy. It can take multiple sessions before I really start to get a solid sense of who someone is and begin to get a clearer understanding of what is burdening them, or why they sought out therapy to begin with.

Shopping for a Therapist is ACTUALLY a thing, by the way. It can feel defeating, hopeless, and to say the least, irritating. It can feel like a draining search, as if there is a mountain of ill-fitting Chinos between you and the Therapist who is your perfect fit. It is important to remember there is so much wisdom that can be gained from this process. It tests our patience, tenacity, as well as our investment in the purpose of the search.

At the end of the day, therapy is about you. You deserve to be happy with your Therapist. This is something you have control over. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and neither does forming a professional, authentic bond with your Therapist.

Shopping for a Therapist is like shopping for the perfect pair of pants. You may have to try out quite a few, you may feel discouraged during this process, but once you find your perfect Chinos or your perfect Therapist, you’ll know---and it will all be worth it.  During your search and journey, I encourage you to consider the following:

Do you feel heard? Do you feel safe? Do you feel comfortable?

What is the Therapist’s personality like? Do you feel like you connect?

What are the Therapist’s specialties, or their “niche”?

Is there a very specific type of client or issue the Therapist works with? Does this apply to you?

What credentials does the Therapist have, and how important are those to you?

How much are you willing to invest into therapy? (including time, money, and energy)